Life.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

You say fuck the lemons and bail...

Oh yeah! I just returned from 8 days in Hawaii! I decided that I needed to go on a much needed vacation. Sun, surfing, snorkeling, friends... Exactly what I needed. Except now I am back. Dreary, raining, gloomy Seattle. But at least I got my boost of positive energy needed to start the year off right.

Here's to a good 2011! Of course things haven't been going as well as planned, but I guess that's my life. I'm so spontaneous that I constantly surprise myself :)

Hope

Many things have inspired me to share my thoughts on this...

I know the statistics are bad for this cancer. But who cares. My case is unique. So far many things about my case have been unpredictable. This is why there is hope:

1.) Staging: My dad just told me that my gyn onc would have originally classified my cancer after the 1st surgery as stage II because of the weird spread pattern. It spread NO WHERE else in my pelvic region or abdomen except a couple of nodes and my ovary. The only reason it was staged at IIIc is because of that tumor in the paraaortic lymph node near my kidneys. It wasn't even in my other ovary. This is highly unusual for ovarian cancer.
2.) Age: I'm pretty young. Pre-menopausal at diagnosis of ovarian cancer is very very rare. More common for clear cell type, but still.... I found a couple studies that the outcomes for those diagnosed young are much much better than in older women
3.) Health: No one could have been more physically healthy. I'm muscular (maybe losing a little of that), rarely get colds or recover quickly, and have no major diagnoses. My only issues are chronic back pain, insomnia, and bipolar- which I believe has made me a much stronger person because I have been through tough times so many times before.
4,) Gymnastics: I was a gymnast which is probably the toughest sport out there. I dedicated years of my life working 4 hrs a night conditioning my body and dealing with very very scary tricks. My back, wrists, shins, and ankles hurt everyday but I would get up and tumble or vault on that hard floor every practice. I would rip huge blisters on my palms where later I could barely wash my hair because of the pain- yet I still got back on that bar to finish my routines. I often came home and spent the night with two or three ice packs on various body parts. Cancer is no big deal after beating up my body for the awesomest sport in the world!!!
5.) Recovery: I am a queen at recovery. Yes fatigue is killing me and my sleep schedule is screwed up, but I had major abdominal surgery and was eating a normal diet, ditched the catheter, and walking around 24 hours later. Too bad I had to switch to oral meds in 24 hours too :( I should have stayed longer and took advantage of the decent meals and pampering. I could do without having to sleep with my arm out for the nurses to take my vitals at all hours of the night. And dragging an IV pole around to the bathroom or when taking a walk... Or having to measure my pee volume. I just started doing everything myself and beating the nurses to the punch. I shocked them when they came into the room and I was already walking around the room
6.) Support: see following blog!

So I hope all this helps those Negative Nancies (thanks Ashley for that silly phrase)

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us

Thoughts, feelings....

This is from an unfinished blog entry I wrote BEFORE the PET scan. Sorry if it is morbid and depressing- this is just what I was thinking at the time. I was debating publishing this at all, but then I just decided to go for it.

READ WITH CAUTION:
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Dated: a few weeks ago, 4am:


What do you do when you know you are going to die? What do you think about? Where do you start?


I know I am going to die from this. I know it. It fucking sucks because I have just found myself. At 29 years things have just started to come together: school is finished. I love my house, my friends. My best friend is finally on the West Coast. And I discovered festivals. Happy lands. Places where I am truly happy, something which I have been searching for since I was 16. Nature is all around me. I belong here on the West Coast. I am happy.


Now I am at a turning point. Expectations for myself. Expectations of other people. Happiness for myself. Happiness of other people. Who do I please? I am a caring person, I need to make my closest friends and family happy. I take care of them and they take care of me. But I have so much I need to do in this time.


I saw the ocean last month and it changed my life. Granted my mind was a little altered and running high after a festival... I need to be at the ocean. I need to explore the sealife, surf, swim, feel the rhythm of the waves, feel the hot sun on my body as I lay in the sand. THIS IS WHAT I AM MEANT TO DO. And then travel. I was meant to travel. I am an explorer, a toucher, experiencer, feeler. I need external stimuli. I do love that I know this about myself. I need to explore.


So what do I do with this knowledge is my dilemma. Decisions. Decisions that cannot wait any longer.
Do I just say fuck this nurse practitioner thing? I am doing something good for society and giving back, making a difference. But was just going through the hell of school enough experience I needed in that area? Am I done with that part of my life?


After talking to a friend about their work in childcare, I realize that I miss coaching SO much. I can't believe I ever stopped. I hate SU and all the sacrifices I have made in the past 4 years. At the same time, it is school that made me stronger, strong enough to be able to deal with cancer treatment. School GOT ME TO SEATTLE. I never will regret that.


I am meant to work with kids. I am great at it. I get them. I treat them like adults which is something that their parents or other people dont. I respect them. They make me happy. Their innocence reminds me that everything can be ok. I need to be around that now.


Can't you see how confusing this is? Decisions! I'm rambling and my mind is running in circles. Planned Parenthood gave me the happiness that coaching did. Right now that may be the sole reason why I could remain a NP. But I have to take that test! That damn thing is sitting in the back of my mind, but almost forgotten because of my financial trouble, complications with a breakup, and all of this cancer stuff. I seriously think that I am waiting for the results of the PET to make this decision. Because it may not be worth it. I may be dying NOW.


Normal people don't think about dying. I know some depressed people do, not that's normal. And I used to. For so many years in my worst depressions I have thought about ending my life. Now I am fighting to live. How ironic.


Soooooo.... what do I want to do?
Choices: (clearly must be a bulleted list)

• Pack up and leave for an amazing overseas adventure. I can meet up with my friend in Thailand and India and then travel the rest of my life avoiding my debt. Very Very VERY appealing
• Move to the ocean. Hawaii? Cali? Again with the travel and overseas?
• Fuck the medical field and nursing and start coaching again living in debt
• Go off the grid and be a traveling bum with a performing arts troupe. Or better yet, a bunch of burners. Just live the life, even if hard, but packing up and seeing where life takes you. Like the movie "In The Wild." Burn my IDs and credit cards and give up my possessions to live out of a backpack. Inspiring..

All of this to be a free-spirit, no ties. But if I'm dying then I should be around the people I love. How do I spend this time? People I love or places to see? Is that selfish? Why can't I have both? The problem is that it is absolutely impossible or unreasonable to even think that anyone else is on the same page with me on this. Nobody fucking gets it. Everybody has plans for me. They speak with reason. Amber, you need money. Amber, you need a career, support, job, housing, food... blah blah blah. I have seen the possibilities of world without money. With only sharing and love and taking care of each other. If only I could take the people I love with me. For this time I have left in the world, these people should just go with me. Give up all responsibilities. It's selfish I know, but I need them. I need them and I need the world.


I need my sister. I miss her more than anyone else right now. I really have no one to talk to about all of this. No objective people who will just listen to me and let me have my "unreasonable" dreams. No involvement with my ex. No lecturing me about finances. No urging me to restart treatment as opposed to living the rest of my life in happiness. My sister can be my favorite person in the world yet we never talk. I love her so much and I never get to see her. She is so far away. But I can never move home.


Crazy talk. Still no resolution. So much going on. I need a personal assistant so bad. I need so much help and I'm not sure how to get it. I can't do this right now on my own. I'm a fucking mess.


Would having money change everything? I hate money and capitalism, and so don't want to run my life. But yet again it does. Money is the root of all evil. I have made so many poor decisions out of desperation for money. Why did I leave coaching? Partly because of money. If I had money right now would things be that much greater? At this point maybe yes. I could hire a personal assistant. I could have the best fucking cancer treatment ever that may actually save my life. I could live all of my dreams of travel, being near the ocean- even flying my parents out and supporting them while I'm dying of cancer. Ahhhhhhh why does money have to matter so much? @#$#^$%&%^&%^&%$!!!!!!!!!!


I just need to stop considering and DO. Stop talking the talk and walk the walk or whatever. I guess I need a sign. Or maybe I just need to pay attention and act on all the signs that have been out there all along.


To be continued....

A year out

So I had what I think was my 9 month check up and everything was great- CA-125 = 13 which is in the range that it's been post-treatment. I am due for another appointment in a few months where I am going to have a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvic area. I've had no symptoms and my fatigue has been much better by taking Ginseng 100mg daily. It's a wonder drug! I read a study on the effectiveness of 2000 mg in Ginseng for post-cancer treatment fatigue and went out to find it. In the study they used American (Wisconsin) ginseng but all I can find here is Asian. Still works though!

So I have been busy busy busy! This summer.... I went to lots of awesome music festivals and camped in the Cascades & the Olympic Rainforest, went to the Washington coast, rode naked in the Solstice parade again, had a few fun barbecues.... I also met my boyfriend of 3 months. But really, all I have been doing for the last 8 weeks is frantically trying to finish school.

In June I graduated- not really, I just walked in graduation but didn't recieve my degree, as we had 8 more weeks of clinical. My parents were in town and so they came too. I walked with barefeet and wore my colorful sunglasses which got some dirty looks from some, and "awesome glasses" from others. And my bf screamed "Skittles" as they said my name :)

So this summer quarter has otherwise been nothing but a huge pain in the ass. You won't beleive it, but SU SCREWED ME AGAIN!!! Go figure. We have one last 8 weeks of clinical to get all the experience we can get before the REAL WORLD. This means having the required 240 clinical hours to pass the course and finish the program. Well that didn't work out too well because I got two sites, each twice a week: one at a two-provider pediatric clinic, and the other at a community clinic. When I set up the days it turns out that the provider's availability overlapped, so I could only go 3 out the 4 days I was assigned too. This means 8 hours a week less than I'm supposed to. Furthermore, when I got to my pediatric site, it turned out that over 70% of the population was only Spanish-speaking, and I speak NO Spanish. I guess in the past they have always had students who were either fluent or knew enough to get by. Even when the patients spoke a little English, my preceptor would still use Spanish and fail to translate all the important guidance and treatment plans to me. So immediately I called my instructor and notified the placement coordinator that I would need another site....She replied that there were NO MORE sites available to students. The quote from an email I recieved said that this cohort was already 50% larger than the last, and that they hadn't anticipated the added students who were returning from last year. They offered no help and said that I should just try to get in as many hours as I could. One of my preceptors did say that I could go Fridays, but that's the day I have our 3 hour seminar. So off the bat I was short on hours.

I also found that the community clinic was lacking a little community. I don't know how this clinic remains open, because there have been 3 days where I saw one patient and sat there for 6 hours in order to get more time in. I got some studying done, but what a waste of clinical experience! Last quarter I saw at least 15 patients a day! This was extremely frustrating since I already feel behind due to my year off.

So after a few weeks with no help from the school, my increasing frustration led me to find my own sites. I called up a pediatric site and Planned Parenthood- both places where I had done a rotation before. Immediately my call was returned and the coordinators said they could maybe work something out. WTF? How easy was that? If I can get two sites in one day, why is the school so incapable of doing so over a span of severeal months? So after 3 weeks being short on hours I happily restarted my favorite clinical site looking at vaginas all day ;) (actually I do more birth control starts than anything else). After my first day I talked them into going an additional day. Both days turned out to be fabulous, with supportive, knowledgeable practitioners, doing something great for the health of women, all while decreasing the world population at the same time ;) I love this clinical, and I am now pretty much independent, with my preceptors just signing scripts and helping me with the ridiculous billing process. I've seen some cool things, such as a girl with two cervixes and a split uterus. Another woman had an ectopic pregnancy while on the pill, and had the fetus removed and all the appropriate followup- only to have the same symptoms of pregnancy for the next month. Turns out that even with all the ultrasounds and exams the doctor had missed a second pregnancy implanted in the uterus! Yesterday I also met one of the clinic managers who is desperately looking for new employees. I'm pretty confident that PPH will hire me when I get my license :)

Unfortunately, adding the extra days didn't really help make up for the 3 weeks I was already short on hours. Now I have to be in clinical 38 hours a week, when all of my classmates have Fridays off for seminar and homework and their theses. Not me. I had to make time to write and edit the damn thing when I was already super busy in the clinic. Total hell. This leads me to the second problem this summer:

My thesis. I was working on my 1st rough draft when my chair/prof left to go to Africa. She was doing great things teaching safe sex, but no time and minimal access to the internet. I sent her half of my first draft and she revised it, but then after I sent the other half a day later I heard nothing back. The thesis was due yesterday and I had no one to review my draft nor the ok and signature needed to turn it in. Now I am trying to resolve the mess with constant emails to other profs, the presentation coordinator, and the assistant dean in order to get an extention! Such a pain in the ass! Fortunately, what I've heard so far is that I will be able to turn it in tomorrow afternoon.


Now all I have left is 4 more days of clinical, my thesis presentation, a chart writeup, and my final evaluation which is tomorrow. The end is soooooooo close....


On a happier note, we just got our hot tub to work as of yesterday, so I can now go home and relax all this added stress away.....

pics to come soon!

Diagnostic Procedures, Cats & Naked Biking

So it was an exciting weekend!

First of all, I had an AWESOME time biking nude in the Solstice Parade. It was an exhilarating experience and I am sooooo glad I did it! There were about 500 of us this year, which was first apparent after there was no room at the Palladium for the painting party. It is actually pretty difficult painting yourself and others when you are trying to dry your armpits with your arms to the side and when you keep "exchanging" colors with everyone who walks by you. I had to repaint about every 5 minutes. It was fun though to be amongst tons of people sharing paint and admiring their body art. After the painting area was cleaned up we gathered in front and spent about 30 minutes assembling for a group picture (impossible) and walking around photographing each other. I personally loved the girl painted like Pac-Man. Awesome ideas. Next year I will definitely plan better and work on my ideas- there were a few pitfalls (not getting there early enough so my base coat wouldn't dry, having my friend help me paint my planets when he couldn't draw a circle; leaving all my stuff at the Palladium so I had no clothes later..). After we took our group photo we all gathered for a short ride around Ballard- another area of town that wasn't expecting us. I didn't know what to expect but was greeted with honks and waves and simply stunned people. The coolest thing was that when we passed clothed bikers, we cheered and yelled and actually got two to strip right there in the street and ride with us! By the time we ended up at the parade I was so psyched up. There were people 10 rows deep lining the streets all cheering and waving and photographing us for like 10 blocks. It was awesome! We rode and waved back. When we got to one intersection, a group painted like cops stood next to the real cops and helped direct us on the route- it was hilarious. There was a guy in silver skateboarding in and out of the crowd and catching rides. When we got to the end a few of us circled back around so people could get more shots. It was like being a celebrity. After we were done I had to take a trip back to get my clothes and got a little lost. So that was also kind of fun- being the lone rider on a major street. After I got my stuff I spent the rest of the day in a sarong hanging with friends and enjoying the rest of the festival. It was all- around a great day! And don't worry, I will upload my pics if you don't have facebook! Here's an article in the local newspaper.

This weekend we also had some other news. My roommate's cat has been missing for a week. It was tough cause we had twice heard from the neighbors that a similar-looking cat had been hanging out in their yards. So excitedly we went searching, only to find from a neighbor that there was a dead cat under their stairs. Unfortunately it was our little Bandit- I guess he was probably hit by a car and then crawled . It was disappointing and sad. Especially since our neighbor's cute little dog was killed by a car a week ago. Sad week for pets :( My kitty is especially sad and acting weird.

So back to medical/cancer stuff:
Last Wednesday was my cardiac echo. I still don't have the results yet if you're wondering.. It was actually a pretty cool procedure. I just lay there on the table on my left side and the tech slid the ultrasound probe around my chest. I also had a 3-lead ECG. She let me see the screen which was amazing because I could see my valves clearly flapping around with each beat. I could see all the structures of my heart, and got to watch her measure the flow in each chamber. Very cool. She said that everything looked alright but of course the cardiologist has to read it.

Thursday was the CT scan. I forgot how long it takes! I was there for hours! First they give you two huge bottles of berry flavored chalk to drink (barium contrast). You drink the first one (choice of chilled or room temperature), and sit there for 40 minutes to let it digest. Then you drink number two and wait 4o minutes. The reason they do this is so that the first swallow gets to your small intestine and the second is still in your stomach when you get the scan. Anyways, then I get called for the scan, during which I get injected with yet another form of contrast. I lay down on the scanner and it goes back and forth beaming rays through me. Sometimes a little smiley face on the machine lights up to tell me to breathe or hold my breath (to raise my lungs to get a better image). After the scan, I have to go back into the waiting room for observation because some people react to the contrast. The whole thing took like 4 hrs.

Well that's it for now! Happy Solstice!!!

This week

I'm in a not-so-positive mood at the moment. I'm just crabby because I have been feeling bad and not sleeping well. And I'm getting pretty bored laying around all day- even if 70% of the time it's on the lake. At least I am getting tan. Yesterday I officially started my job hunt- I'm missing coaching so bad that I'm dreaming gymnastics. I hope there will be at least one team coaching position open, but I have to factor in the fact that I would have to work around scans and radiation AND clinicals. What a pain. I'm looking for nursing jobs as well, but it's the same deal with scheduling- PLUS the fact that I haven't really done clinical RN stuff in a year. I just need to get down and apply because at least I can start with options to choose from.

I decided that I'm going to be a painted cyclist in the Solstice Parade this year. I recruited some friends as well. For people outside of Washington, one of the Seattle artsy neighborhoods- Fremont- puts on a huge Solstice parade every summer, along with a street fair and "art cars" (cars decorated with the most random things) exhibition. One of the highlights of the parade is a group of at least 300 bikers who come out first- all in body paint and "au naturale," The painting jobs are usually pretty amazing, and people also decorate their bikes and helmets in streamers and paper mache figures. Last year there were two ladies painted like American flags, bumble bees on tandem, and a group of 3 Waldo's cycling around. I decided on a space theme and so tomorrow I'm going to buy some colors of textile acrylic paint. I won't say anymore about the experience until it's over- but this Saturday is the ride. Solstice is my favorite part about Seattle summer and this weekend should be awesome.

Well tomorrow is my cardiac echo and I will definitely report back on those findings as soon as I get them. As far as Thursday's CT scan- I'm not going to know anything until Monday's appointment with my gyn onc and I will report as soon as I know. (So no calling every second mom and dad!). I also should get my latest CA-125 count. Oh- I talked to the nurses and got the CT scan ok'd to include my neck. So now I can get a double check on the thyroid lump that's still there. The doc said it was just a lymph node and it isn't hard like a tumor, but I still want to be sure.