LAST CHEMO!!!!!

I'm writing from SCCA right now getting my last chemo! Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I was looking back at how often I wrote before and noticed that I write so rarely now. I think it's because I am just so sick of everything... Sick of being sick. Sick of planning my week around feeling sick. Sick of having no eyelashes. Sick of answering "how are you feeling?" I never know what to say cause when people ask me it's always a week after chemo and I am feeling fine. except for being tired. Tired because my sleeping problem has gotten so much worse. The other night I couldn't sleep at all and spent the next day in this zone. I'm immune to Benadryl and Lorazepam and pain killers. Nothing helps. I miss appointments the next day because I went to bed late, and then those drugs make me so groggy and unmotivated. It's hard to explain why I missed a 1pm appointment. I mean seriously, it's retarded that I can't get up at that time. Especially now that it's getting so nice out.

I have been enjoying the weather. I've been walking to the beach almost any sunny day- especially during our 80's heat wave. Now it's around 60-70 so not so good. I like being sweaty ;)
This week I hope it's going to be nice. I have my big final on Friday and I'm worried. It's always ridiculously hard in these theory classes. Especially when you get a powerpoint with 262 slides. It's not going to help that I know I'll be nauseous and not want to study. I just want to lay in bed and do crosswords and watch "Freaks and Geeks"

My blood counts this week are still super low- even after the immune-boosting Neulasta shot. Hemoglobin and Hematocrit are 9.9 and 29% when the norm is supposed to be at least 11.5 & 36%. White blood cells are 3.4 when they should be 4.3. I don't feel any of this of course, and have had no problem with infection. I have noticed that I get palpitations- meaning that I can feel my heart beating against my chest once in awhile. It usually happens after I climb the hill from the beach to my house, but sometimes it occurs randomly at rest. I think my autonomic nervous system is just screwed up. My blood pressure is still really low- 100/70- last time it was 99/63 or something like that. So when I stand up I am really dizzy and have to hold onto a wall or something or else I will faint. It kinda feels good, but I am at risk for falling. I can't explain why it's so low because I drink lots of water and don't work out that much. Oh well, must be the chemo.

What's weird is that I am growing hair again. On my head there are some 3/4 inch hairs - some are brown and some are blond. I hope it goes mostly blonde. I was looking forward to that! In any case, it's sparse but all over. My eyelashes are totally gone and my eyebrows are half-way gone- like I plucked them from the middle out. But near the nose side there are tiny little stubbly hairs. I don't get it- why is it falling out on 1/2 the brow and growing on the other 1/2? I guess the new hairs are pushing the old ones out? In any case it's going to look pretty weird with stubble eyebrows. Better than no eyebrows I guess...

So I have a CT schedule a few weeks from now, and then meet with my doctor a couple of days afterwards. I'm pretty nervous about it- what if they find something? that would be devastating. Sucks to have to do another round of something else. It doesn't help that I got my last CA125 and it was 20. Last time it was 7 and it generally has been ranging from that low to 12. I asked the nurse about this and she said that sometimes it can go up from allergies- which I do have a runny nose all the time. I hope that's what it is because that's at least twice from the highest point of my range. Hope hope hope it's not going to go up again- the next blood draw is 2 weeks from today. I have to wait that long to get the results. If it goes up again than I am in trouble... I know one thing that it could be- I have been so sick of smoothies that I have been pretty inconsistent in making them in the last month. Maybe they really were helping kill the cancer cells if I had some left. In any case I am definitely starting them again from today on. I'm just sick of fruit..

In two weeks I start clinical again. One day a week starting 1/2 time at a place in the Northgate area- about 30 minutes away. I think I'm ready but apparently my professor doesn't think so. She wants the preceptor to watch me do a full physical exam and history- two things which I think I am pretty good at. I haven't lost any of that. What I was just beginning to learn and will have problems with is diagnosing again. What really pisses me off is that she is making me redo my midterm and final- where she also observes me. It's nerve racking as hell. Especially with her. A couple of Fridays ago she pulled me aside during our break to tell me about possible clinical sites for the summer. This is sorta how the conversation went: I had told her that I wanted to be in Seattle- something which is not that unreasonable. She start freaking out and telling me that she didn't know if she could get me a site as they were trouble finding them as it was. I asked her why, because I had a SEattle site this quarter- why couldn't I go back there? Nope too hard to find one she says. Then I told her that I was thinking about radiation. That really got her going. You never told me that! That complicates everything! How come you didn't tell me that? When is it? What's the schedule? I have to know the schedule. No preceptors going to let you go 1/2 time... etc etc. Well I told her that I didn't know because I hadn't talked to the therapist yet- they were going to call me sometime after chemo. Well she goes on a rant: Amber you need to know this stuff. You need to get on top of things. You never keep me informed and you need to tell me things. Now I don't know if I can find you a site... Anyways, this goes on for 10 minutes right in front of the classroom door and her tone is not night nice and she is yelling. I had to explain to her at least 5 times that I didn't know and that I'm not at that point yet. I ended up ending the conversation by telling her that I had to move my car and walked away. The whole situation left me pretty pissed off. What does it matter- no preceptor has ever cared that I left early so why should this new one care? Why couldn't she just find something and I could discuss it with the preceptor? Why are other people getting placements in Seattle when I really really need one. The school hired someone to find clinical sites so why was she involved anyways? Most of all, I HAVE WAY TOO MANY OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT THEN ALL THIS STUPID CRAP! Shut the fuck up! Arghhhhhhhhh. She ended up finding me a closer site who would take me 1/2 time if needed. God I knew it wouldn't be such a big deal. She needs to get control of her stress cause this was totally inappropriate. If I am going to have to work with her this coming quarter than I am going to have to step up and tell her to stop yelling at me for stupid shit and speaking to me so inappropriately in front of my classmates. I mean, geez, I can't even ask her a question without her biting my head off. At least I know it's not just me- I think everyone has to deal with her bipolarness.

Well that's all for now. Wish me a good week of studying and luck on the final!