"When an affliction happens to you, you either let it defeat you, or you defeat it.." - Rosalind Russell

August 13, 2014

Chemobrain

I found an interesting Blog about chemobrain that I wanted to share. It has been 4 years since I had standard chemotherapy, and I still am feeling the effects. I have a horrible time with word retrieval, processing new information, and reading maps. I also have a hard time computing simple math problems and just focusing on anything in general. My ADD and attention span had gotten much worse, making it hard to get anything done. Basically every mental task takes twice as long and I get really frustrated with my broken brain. I don't feel like I can be a safe nurse practitioner anymore. Not only do I have to relearn everything I forgot, but it is also really hard to acquire new information- which is problematic as clinicians are constantly having to adapt to new practice standards and guidelines. I find myself more interested in positions that only require physical skills- jobs where I use my hands and not my slow brain. So after all that schooling, the positions I have been pursuing of late are in the fields I was in before graduate school- bartending and gymnastics. I think that this is because I feel comfortable using skills I have already developed, rather than having to constantly struggle with learning new tasks. It's a waste, but sometimes it just takes too much mental energy to try and learn something new. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to concentrate on the task at hand, which is then followed by the struggle to comprehend the information and put it into memory. I feel dumb a lot of the time, and embarrassed by the length of time it takes for me to figure something out that other people find so simple. This is especially hard for me now, because I have acquired new friends that only know the slow me and not the intelligent and knowledgeable person I once was.

This month I meet with a neuropsychologist who can hopefully point me in the right direction. Most of the reason I wanted to meet with her was to get cognitive testing and see if I qualify for disability. My symptoms negatively affect most aspects of my life, but I don't know if the federal government will actually recognize chemobrain as a disability. I ultimately would like to discharge my student loans. Plus I want some validation of my worries that I am too damaged to work in medicine. I need some sort of explanation or excuse to why I never found an ARNP job. I feel worthless and stupid talking about it, and when people ask me about my career or what I went to school for, I don't even mention nursing school. Last weekend at a music festival a girl asked me what I did, and i actually forgot that I worked as a nurse in biometrics. I don't get called in to work many shifts, so I guess that's understandable. However, I surprised myself that I only answered that I was a bartender. It's like the whole nursing part of my life never existed. I am  back in 2006, bartending and coaching gymnastics- only with $100,000+ in student loans. 

Well that's my rambling for the time- being. I also got a CT scan last week and still haven't heard the results. It was only a CT because obamacare doesn't find PET scans very necessary for cancer follow up :/

July 19, 2014

RIP Adam Oliver

I was following my friend Adam's blog since I met him at the cancer center. I noticed that he hadn't updated his blog in a few months. The last post was about his clinical trial had been failing... Two days ago I was browsing Facebook and came across his page- the top post was an "I will miss you," along with a picture. This was back in May. .. I didn't know him all that well, but I often thought about him and checks his blog every few weeks or so to see how he was doing. He was actually the one who gave me the idea to start this blog. He was a really nice guy. I remember talking to him about how his cancer had also returned- his reaction had been nothing but anger and frustration. I went to see him in the hospital during one of his treatments, and it was long and had made him so sick. I see why he was angry. The cancer had stolen his way of life- he loved ultimate frisbee and the cancer was in his leg so he couldn't run. Cancer made every part of his life a struggle, even in the end. I am grateful that my treatments weren't so bad, and that I am currently in remission. I'm just so sad for all the people in my life that I knew who died. It's still a horrible struggle to mend my life after the cancer, but at least I am healthy enough to try. Rest in peace Adam. You will be missed.

A link to his obituary is below:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/tricityherald/obituary.aspx?pid=171191977