November 23, 2010
November 19, 2010
Night and Day
Aha I figured out how to switch my blog from one google account to another! and it's not easy!!!
Just thought I'd give a quick check up- you know, the post before the BIG life-changing-thoughtful post that I may have at like 5:36am within the next week or so... It's a touchy science like earthquake prediction :| (Seattle is due for a big one!!! or so they have been saying for weeks now)
I'm feeling ok & off the narcs. And no you can't have any because I may need them for a headache some day ;). So stop asking. The other day I did wake up in pain, at 10am. Although I was super excited to be awake in the am. for once, I had to take a Dilaudid and slept until the afternoon anyways. I guess I can't sleep on my left side. Maybe because the remaining organs on my the right side are stapled or clipped in place and that stretches them?
My sleep schedule is wrecked again. I'm in full on vampire mode. What's funny is that in my house I'm rarely even the last one to get up.... at 4pm! I love the upstairs people: we love sleep and we only see the sunrise as we close our blinds and stumble off to bed ;) Wait! Sun in Seattle?
Ok I'm getting slap-happy cause it's 3:38am. I better re-focus. I have a doctor's appointment at 9am on the 8th. No I did not make that appointment. I think I may have to stay up all night to be up in time for that. SCCA should know me by now- I was always the last blood draw of the evening, in the last radiation therapy spot of the day, and had to reschedule chemo once or twice because I couldn't make my 1pm appointments. I am ridiculous but at least I know my body well enough to know what times to avoid!
I'm not sure what the treatment plan is going to be. Chemo? Radiation? Both? None? Honestly people keep asking me what I'm going to do next and I have to almost remind myself what they are talking about. It's weird how right now it's on the back of my mind, and when some people see me it's the only thing they can think about.....
My steri-strips are off and the incision scar will not be pretty. This time I'm definitely gonna have to get that tattoo. Still deciding of what....
I watched a Grey's Anatomy tonight about all the residents doing the night shift- reminds me of my life right now. On the show the lead characters work separate surgery shifts- as the alarm goes off for the male lead, the female character is just crawling into bed. There are nights when I know what time it is when 1.) the garbage men come and a little later 2.) my roommate's (the one who occasionally has to get up earlier than 2pm for work) alarm going off. Those nights suck.
November 13, 2010
Girrowls and Owlaffes
My friend gave this adorable animal to me before surgery for good luck. She made it out of felt. She had asked me what my favorite animal was and I said that I liked giraffes and owls:
Surgery
Surgery went well. I had a last minute change in regards to my uterus- something which my doctor doesn't understand. I just didn't see a need to take out an organ just because it MAY later house a tumor. There is no way of knowing for sure, and for now I'd like to keep that chance of being a mom...
My doctor said that she was able to remove the malignancy with no problems. It was slightly attached to my bladder and so she took off a layer of tissue from it. She didn't see any other problems. She did a peritoneal wash to biopsy, but there were no other obvious tumors. Pathology is waiting....
My doctor said that she was able to remove the malignancy with no problems. It was slightly attached to my bladder and so she took off a layer of tissue from it. She didn't see any other problems. She did a peritoneal wash to biopsy, but there were no other obvious tumors. Pathology is waiting....
November 9, 2010
Surgery tomorrow
I'm hungry and waiting to poop. Sounds exciting, huh? Lunch today consisted of a little cube of vegetable buillion and hot water soup. Yum and very filling. Tonight's dinner was jello and a huge things bottle of Blue Gatorade mixed with Miralax. Yay!
I'm not really worried about the surgery at all. Actually I'm more worried about getting up for the 6:30am check in. I have been sleeping in soooooooo much lately that at this point I am almost better off just staying up all night.
So that's it. Surgery. Oh yeah- I'm not getting that historectomy as planned. Someone brought home a documentary on test tube babies and now I can't do it. It may be completely stupid, but at the moment my uterus is fine and dandy- why should I part with it? I will have babies some day....
Dinner
Snack
I'm not really worried about the surgery at all. Actually I'm more worried about getting up for the 6:30am check in. I have been sleeping in soooooooo much lately that at this point I am almost better off just staying up all night.
So that's it. Surgery. Oh yeah- I'm not getting that historectomy as planned. Someone brought home a documentary on test tube babies and now I can't do it. It may be completely stupid, but at the moment my uterus is fine and dandy- why should I part with it? I will have babies some day....
Dinner
SnackA little help needed
Hey everyone,
I figured out a way to get some treatments paid for, or anything else I would need. I'm a member of this awesome bartering website, where you can offer services or goods in exchange for other services or goods. I sold my guitar and now have enough credits to buy something else. Mechanics, dentists, massage therapists and other professionals are on the site and available for trades. My roommate has so far used her "dibbits" to get two massages and have a personal trainer for 2 weeks. These are legitimate professionals who are just offering a service so they too can get services. Pretty cool, huh?
In any case, there are naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists on the site. If I can get people to sign up and use my referral code, then I can get 20 dibits per person. Plus, if you sign up, you get around 50-60 dibits from the start and get a massage :) The site is for the Seattle folk mostly, but if you want to help me out you could join anyways ;)
Thanks!
Dibspace Referral Code
I figured out a way to get some treatments paid for, or anything else I would need. I'm a member of this awesome bartering website, where you can offer services or goods in exchange for other services or goods. I sold my guitar and now have enough credits to buy something else. Mechanics, dentists, massage therapists and other professionals are on the site and available for trades. My roommate has so far used her "dibbits" to get two massages and have a personal trainer for 2 weeks. These are legitimate professionals who are just offering a service so they too can get services. Pretty cool, huh?
In any case, there are naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists on the site. If I can get people to sign up and use my referral code, then I can get 20 dibits per person. Plus, if you sign up, you get around 50-60 dibits from the start and get a massage :) The site is for the Seattle folk mostly, but if you want to help me out you could join anyways ;)
Thanks!
Dibspace Referral Code
November 7, 2010
Plan for Surgery, PET results...
A big sigh of relief. The PET scan made up my mind for me- The cancer is localized, I'm not dying, there is no need to flee or give up on treatments right now. I am actually pretty at ease right now with my medical situation- I may be crazy but the surgery on Wednesday is no big deal to me. YES it's major surgery and I will be out while my doctor carves into me. But I've been through this before. Now I know that there is only one tumor. It doesn't seem to be attached to anything but fat, and therefore pretty easy to remove. The incision will even be right over my old one, and much smaller. Everything seems straight-forward. Now it's just a matter of coordinating. My roomies are going to tale me and be there during to give my parents updates. I'm pretty sure I will be there 3 days again. No big deal.
So now it's time to deal with my other problems. Finances. I can't believe what a mess I am in. I don't think it's ever been so bad. I don't want to complain, but I must comment on how horrible Citibank is right now. I got a bill last month for over $450 for my first loan payment. I called and was like "WTF?" - I just graduated- don't I have a grace period?" Well... apparently you ARE allowed one grace period for the 6 months following departure from school- HOWEVER, I used this time up when I had to take a leave of absence for treatment. Even worse, I also used up 3 months of the only one forbearance allowed on this loan. Because this is a private, living-expense loan, I cannot defer, have additional forbearances, or even change to a graduated-payment plan based on unemployment or financial difficulties- all things which I have been able to do with all of my federal loans. Even with CANCER I still have to repay my loan- $450/month. I called twice and spoke to two supervisors, all who told me sorry, but they couldn't do anything. #$%$^%&%!!!!! WTF? I heard this and basically went off on these people, telling them that they should be ashamed of themselves for even working for such a heartless, shitty company. Not really the customer service reps fault, but STILL!!!
Well I can get a job, right? Hmm. I'm sure you all know how the economy is. I unfortunately have one huge problem getting any old job. I absolutely HAVE TO keep my health insurance. It's based on income- if I make any more than $1100 a month then I lose it. This is equivalent to working for minimum wage, full-time. If I took a job as a barista or worked in retail or something (jobs which under other circumstances I would be working my damnest to get) I would also lose my food stamps- a substantial amount that I depend on. So I would make $1100 a month (which would barely cover rent, utilities, and that absurd Citibank bill) and have NO insurance- owing $$$$ for surgery and future treatments. Is it worth it? NO WAY!
The situation is extremely frustrating- I cannot work as an NP because I haven't taken the test and have been too overwhelmed making life-or-death decisions lately to even study for the test. I can't get an RN job for the life of me because I have no experience. I was pretty sure I could snag one of Planned Parenthood's open positions when I did become certified, but they have filled them since I did my clinical there. Even more depressing right now, I pretty much landed a high school gymnastics coaching team position, but had to turn it down when I found out I needed surgery. I can't spot teenagers after major abdominal surgery.
And my car decided to stop working... the 6-month premium was due... Basically this is what has been on my mind lately. Not the fact that I am having major surgery. Ridiculous, huh?
So now it's time to deal with my other problems. Finances. I can't believe what a mess I am in. I don't think it's ever been so bad. I don't want to complain, but I must comment on how horrible Citibank is right now. I got a bill last month for over $450 for my first loan payment. I called and was like "WTF?" - I just graduated- don't I have a grace period?" Well... apparently you ARE allowed one grace period for the 6 months following departure from school- HOWEVER, I used this time up when I had to take a leave of absence for treatment. Even worse, I also used up 3 months of the only one forbearance allowed on this loan. Because this is a private, living-expense loan, I cannot defer, have additional forbearances, or even change to a graduated-payment plan based on unemployment or financial difficulties- all things which I have been able to do with all of my federal loans. Even with CANCER I still have to repay my loan- $450/month. I called twice and spoke to two supervisors, all who told me sorry, but they couldn't do anything. #$%$^%&%!!!!! WTF? I heard this and basically went off on these people, telling them that they should be ashamed of themselves for even working for such a heartless, shitty company. Not really the customer service reps fault, but STILL!!!
Well I can get a job, right? Hmm. I'm sure you all know how the economy is. I unfortunately have one huge problem getting any old job. I absolutely HAVE TO keep my health insurance. It's based on income- if I make any more than $1100 a month then I lose it. This is equivalent to working for minimum wage, full-time. If I took a job as a barista or worked in retail or something (jobs which under other circumstances I would be working my damnest to get) I would also lose my food stamps- a substantial amount that I depend on. So I would make $1100 a month (which would barely cover rent, utilities, and that absurd Citibank bill) and have NO insurance- owing $$$$ for surgery and future treatments. Is it worth it? NO WAY!
The situation is extremely frustrating- I cannot work as an NP because I haven't taken the test and have been too overwhelmed making life-or-death decisions lately to even study for the test. I can't get an RN job for the life of me because I have no experience. I was pretty sure I could snag one of Planned Parenthood's open positions when I did become certified, but they have filled them since I did my clinical there. Even more depressing right now, I pretty much landed a high school gymnastics coaching team position, but had to turn it down when I found out I needed surgery. I can't spot teenagers after major abdominal surgery.
And my car decided to stop working... the 6-month premium was due... Basically this is what has been on my mind lately. Not the fact that I am having major surgery. Ridiculous, huh?
November 6, 2010
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us
Thoughts, feelings....
This is from an unfinished blog entry I wrote BEFORE the PET scan. Sorry if it is morbid and depressing- this is just what I was thinking at the time. I was debating publishing this at all, but then I just decided to go for it.
READ WITH CAUTION:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dated: a few weeks ago, 4am:
What do you do when you know you are going to die? What do you think about? Where do you start?
I know I am going to die from this. I know it. It fucking sucks because I have just found myself. At 29 years things have just started to come together: school is finished. I love my house, my friends. My best friend is finally on the West Coast. And I discovered festivals. Happy lands. Places where I am truly happy, something which I have been searching for since I was 16. Nature is all around me. I belong here on the West Coast. I am happy.
Now I am at a turning point. Expectations for myself. Expectations of other people. Happiness for myself. Happiness of other people. Who do I please? I am a caring person, I need to make my closest friends and family happy. I take care of them and they take care of me. But I have so much I need to do in this time.
I saw the ocean last month and it changed my life. Granted my mind was a little altered and running high after a festival... I need to be at the ocean. I need to explore the sealife, surf, swim, feel the rhythm of the waves, feel the hot sun on my body as I lay in the sand. THIS IS WHAT I AM MEANT TO DO. And then travel. I was meant to travel. I am an explorer, a toucher, experiencer, feeler. I need external stimuli. I do love that I know this about myself. I need to explore.
So what do I do with this knowledge is my dilemma. Decisions. Decisions that cannot wait any longer.
Do I just say fuck this nurse practitioner thing? I am doing something good for society and giving back, making a difference. But was just going through the hell of school enough experience I needed in that area? Am I done with that part of my life?
After talking to a friend about their work in childcare, I realize that I miss coaching SO much. I can't believe I ever stopped. I hate SU and all the sacrifices I have made in the past 4 years. At the same time, it is school that made me stronger, strong enough to be able to deal with cancer treatment. School GOT ME TO SEATTLE. I never will regret that.
I am meant to work with kids. I am great at it. I get them. I treat them like adults which is something that their parents or other people dont. I respect them. They make me happy. Their innocence reminds me that everything can be ok. I need to be around that now.
Can't you see how confusing this is? Decisions! I'm rambling and my mind is running in circles. Planned Parenthood gave me the happiness that coaching did. Right now that may be the sole reason why I could remain a NP. But I have to take that test! That damn thing is sitting in the back of my mind, but almost forgotten because of my financial trouble, complications with a breakup, and all of this cancer stuff. I seriously think that I am waiting for the results of the PET to make this decision. Because it may not be worth it. I may be dying NOW.
Normal people don't think about dying. I know some depressed people do, not that's normal. And I used to. For so many years in my worst depressions I have thought about ending my life. Now I am fighting to live. How ironic.
Soooooo.... what do I want to do?
Choices: (clearly must be a bulleted list)
I need my sister. I miss her more than anyone else right now. I really have no one to talk to about all of this. No objective people who will just listen to me and let me have my "unreasonable" dreams. No involvement with my ex. No lecturing me about finances. No urging me to restart treatment as opposed to living the rest of my life in happiness. My sister can be my favorite person in the world yet we never talk. I love her so much and I never get to see her. She is so far away. But I can never move home.
Crazy talk. Still no resolution. So much going on. I need a personal assistant so bad. I need so much help and I'm not sure how to get it. I can't do this right now on my own. I'm a fucking mess.
Would having money change everything? I hate money and capitalism, and so don't want to run my life. But yet again it does. Money is the root of all evil. I have made so many poor decisions out of desperation for money. Why did I leave coaching? Partly because of money. If I had money right now would things be that much greater? At this point maybe yes. I could hire a personal assistant. I could have the best fucking cancer treatment ever that may actually save my life. I could live all of my dreams of travel, being near the ocean- even flying my parents out and supporting them while I'm dying of cancer. Ahhhhhhh why does money have to matter so much? @#$#^$%&%^&%^&%$!!!!!!!!!!
I just need to stop considering and DO. Stop talking the talk and walk the walk or whatever. I guess I need a sign. Or maybe I just need to pay attention and act on all the signs that have been out there all along.
To be continued....
This is from an unfinished blog entry I wrote BEFORE the PET scan. Sorry if it is morbid and depressing- this is just what I was thinking at the time. I was debating publishing this at all, but then I just decided to go for it.
READ WITH CAUTION:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dated: a few weeks ago, 4am:
What do you do when you know you are going to die? What do you think about? Where do you start?
I know I am going to die from this. I know it. It fucking sucks because I have just found myself. At 29 years things have just started to come together: school is finished. I love my house, my friends. My best friend is finally on the West Coast. And I discovered festivals. Happy lands. Places where I am truly happy, something which I have been searching for since I was 16. Nature is all around me. I belong here on the West Coast. I am happy.
Now I am at a turning point. Expectations for myself. Expectations of other people. Happiness for myself. Happiness of other people. Who do I please? I am a caring person, I need to make my closest friends and family happy. I take care of them and they take care of me. But I have so much I need to do in this time.
I saw the ocean last month and it changed my life. Granted my mind was a little altered and running high after a festival... I need to be at the ocean. I need to explore the sealife, surf, swim, feel the rhythm of the waves, feel the hot sun on my body as I lay in the sand. THIS IS WHAT I AM MEANT TO DO. And then travel. I was meant to travel. I am an explorer, a toucher, experiencer, feeler. I need external stimuli. I do love that I know this about myself. I need to explore.
So what do I do with this knowledge is my dilemma. Decisions. Decisions that cannot wait any longer.
Do I just say fuck this nurse practitioner thing? I am doing something good for society and giving back, making a difference. But was just going through the hell of school enough experience I needed in that area? Am I done with that part of my life?
After talking to a friend about their work in childcare, I realize that I miss coaching SO much. I can't believe I ever stopped. I hate SU and all the sacrifices I have made in the past 4 years. At the same time, it is school that made me stronger, strong enough to be able to deal with cancer treatment. School GOT ME TO SEATTLE. I never will regret that.
I am meant to work with kids. I am great at it. I get them. I treat them like adults which is something that their parents or other people dont. I respect them. They make me happy. Their innocence reminds me that everything can be ok. I need to be around that now.
Can't you see how confusing this is? Decisions! I'm rambling and my mind is running in circles. Planned Parenthood gave me the happiness that coaching did. Right now that may be the sole reason why I could remain a NP. But I have to take that test! That damn thing is sitting in the back of my mind, but almost forgotten because of my financial trouble, complications with a breakup, and all of this cancer stuff. I seriously think that I am waiting for the results of the PET to make this decision. Because it may not be worth it. I may be dying NOW.
Normal people don't think about dying. I know some depressed people do, not that's normal. And I used to. For so many years in my worst depressions I have thought about ending my life. Now I am fighting to live. How ironic.
Soooooo.... what do I want to do?
Choices: (clearly must be a bulleted list)
- Pack up and leave for an amazing overseas adventure. I can meet up with my friend in Thailand and India and then travel the rest of my life avoiding my debt. Very Very VERY appealing
- Move to the ocean. Hawaii? Cali? Again with the travel and overseas?
- Fuck the medical field and nursing and start coaching again living in debt
- Go off the grid and be a traveling bum with a performing arts troupe. Or better yet, a bunch of burners. Just live the life, even if hard, but packing up and seeing where life takes you. Like the movie "In The Wild." Burn my IDs and credit cards and give up my possessions to live out of a backpack. Inspiring..
I need my sister. I miss her more than anyone else right now. I really have no one to talk to about all of this. No objective people who will just listen to me and let me have my "unreasonable" dreams. No involvement with my ex. No lecturing me about finances. No urging me to restart treatment as opposed to living the rest of my life in happiness. My sister can be my favorite person in the world yet we never talk. I love her so much and I never get to see her. She is so far away. But I can never move home.
Crazy talk. Still no resolution. So much going on. I need a personal assistant so bad. I need so much help and I'm not sure how to get it. I can't do this right now on my own. I'm a fucking mess.
Would having money change everything? I hate money and capitalism, and so don't want to run my life. But yet again it does. Money is the root of all evil. I have made so many poor decisions out of desperation for money. Why did I leave coaching? Partly because of money. If I had money right now would things be that much greater? At this point maybe yes. I could hire a personal assistant. I could have the best fucking cancer treatment ever that may actually save my life. I could live all of my dreams of travel, being near the ocean- even flying my parents out and supporting them while I'm dying of cancer. Ahhhhhhh why does money have to matter so much? @#$#^$%&%^&%^&%$!!!!!!!!!!
I just need to stop considering and DO. Stop talking the talk and walk the walk or whatever. I guess I need a sign. Or maybe I just need to pay attention and act on all the signs that have been out there all along.
To be continued....
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