in a rut again

I'm in a rut and I feel like I've been trying to climb out of it for months. I was doing so well with my diet and cancer tea and making treatment plans, but everything just fell apart. In the past month I have lost 5lbs and I'm down to 122- even less weight than when I was first having cancer symptoms. My pants almost fell off when I was coaching, and my boss even noticed and told me to fatten up. I've also been so tired and unfocused that I can't really get anything done. I'm run down emotionally and physically. Last week I went in to the doctor and ordered myself a blood count and thyroid test to see what was wrong. I was convinced I was anemic. Although fatigue and weight loss were the exact symptoms I had when I was first diagnosed, I didn't think it was cancer this time because my last PET scan had been clean. After explaining my worries to the doctor, he told me that nothing was wrong with me physically, and my diagnosis= stress. Stress from being tired and jobless, having to move, losing some of my support system, and all the other changes in my life. Stress that has caused so many emotional breakdowns and panic attacks in the past few weeks. I'm can't seem to regain control of my health.
It doesn't help that I'm full on menopausal. I have hot flashes every night which often wakes me up. I must kick my covers off (and my cat) at least 10 times a night. And as I mentioned above, I'm an emotional mess. It's getting embarrassing.

Luckily my entire doctor's office has been amazing. I had a breakdown at the last appointment and got the medical assistant and nurse all worked up trying to help me out. They set me up with the social worker who set me up with prescription assistance to cover the $150 copay for Effexor, an antidepressant that has helped in the past. I had to go off before because it was too expensive, but Swedish got it all worked out. Now I can get it dispensed directly from their pharmacy for free.

I also started Tamoxifen last week. So far I don't have any side effects. Unless you count hot flashes, but I had started to get those before. I'm not sure how long I will be on this but I'm sure it will be awhile. Apparently it interacts with a lot of other medications- including every other psych med that I could be on. It also interacts with most cold medicines. It's not a bad reaction- it just makes the Tamoxifen not work as well.

The social worker also got me approved for financial assistance for Avastin treatments. However, before I can start it, my doc wants a baseline CT scan and a full blood workup. The CT scan was scheduled for this afternoon, and so I didn't have breakfast. I got to the clinic and it turns out that even though the medical assistant gave me a little card with my appointment on it, my insurance company required pre-authorization first. And nobody told me. So I was hungry and crabby most the afternoon. I'n supposed to call tomorrow and get it rescheduled.

I think I may start making protein shakes. The idea of drinking smoothies again almost makes me gag, but I need some way to bulk up. My boss got his wife to bake me bread and cookies with lots of fiber and things like oatmeal and flax. It's pretty yummy and nice to walk into the gym and get a little secret snack. He keeps yelling at me for not eating meat though. Sorry but that's not going to happen!

So the plan is now to get fat and get myself back on track. Getting fat is going to be fun. How many people get to go on that diet? I can't wait. I don't think there is anything I enjoy more than eating (when emotionally healthy). The other day I had one of those bags of ravioli that you can steam in the microwave- I ate the WHOLE bag. Another day I at an entire large frozen pizza. Too bad neither of these things are that great for me, but they're a start. What I really need is a personal chef